the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
