does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
