I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
