Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
