Princesses don't give blow jobs
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
