the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
