Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
