Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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