dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
