I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize