My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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