K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
