I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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