So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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