She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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