just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
