Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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