The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just want to make out with him forever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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