And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
