Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
