I heard we made out
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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