I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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