with your own penis?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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