Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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