she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
