I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
