I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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