i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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