This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize