I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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