Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
