Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
