Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
