Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
