I hate your face
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
