So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
