genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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