tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
