So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
