Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
