You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
