Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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