Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
