Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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