So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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