i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Someone came in the potted fern
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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