Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
