The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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