My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
