why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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