I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
