She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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