girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
