Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
