she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
