im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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