also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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